I think im going to throw up on grandma
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
