My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Judging by the fact that my hair was glued to my head with vomit, yeah I think I couldve used a friend last night
my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.
I'm already at the bar. It's 2 PM. Help
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
WE ARE DOING DRUGS AND GOING TO THE STRIP CLUB SATURDAY LADIES
Randomize
