I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
There is something about weddings and lines being done off my ass
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
And I might get them triple pierced after that
Damn, I didn't realize you'd declared war on airport metal detectors
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Randomize