I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
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