Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Erin was right. There were bees at the after hours.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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