When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
I'm getting the same feeling waiting for the web-page to load that has my final grades that I get when I take a pregnancy test. I think I'm gonna leave my computer for 3 minutes.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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