i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why do I have the 4 of hearts in my bra?
Haha we got sick of drinking on 4 is for whores so we stole the cards...I woke up with three of them in mine
drunken problem solving at its finest
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
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