A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Good, I've got all this booze. It's intimidating to be in the room alone with it..
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Get to the bar now. Ryan is single again and every skank on campus that has heard story about his dick is circling like a shark. A cock hungry shark
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
