don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
Miss Michigan hasn't even been Miss USA for 24hrs and already stripper pole pics are surfacing. Classy.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
Well I will be attending the wedding with a flask of wine, potentially with a straw, and POM POMS for cheering purposes. Needless to say I will be well lubricated by your arrival..
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
