I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
think im gonna go get a six pack before class and sit in the back of the room...
i feel like this needs to be a 'lose some teeth' kind of weekend.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
