headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
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