i love accidental penises.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
I got laughed at by a homeless guy in a Daniel Boone hat. I have no clue what this means for my day
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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