wanna go halves on a baby?
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I'm so glad I was blacked out while I was going all exorcist in the bathroom. That's so not a memory I want.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Randomize
