i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
Can you rollerblade?
No, why?
Honestly, I was high and picturing us roller blading together. I wanted to see if I could make my dreams a reality.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I just wanna have sex and go to Denny's after is that too much to ask for.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
You did what with his pubic hair?
Randomize
