His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling
You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Randomize
