When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
We smoked bowls and watched Cops for what seemed like hours. And yet I know I'll go back.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Randomize
