my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar
I need you to use more vowels.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
Randomize
