Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
my spring break was before theirs and i literally fed him vodka all week, only stopping for class and bowls. like handles. i cant even think anymore, that chastity belt was hard to get off,
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
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