pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
If I die tonight, I want you to have the rest of my nachos. And my porn collection.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize