people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
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