Yours is on the dinner table...mine is in my underwear drawer.
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
ok NEVER tell the strippers its your birthday. i think i have to burn these clothes and take a bath in bleach
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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