Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
I feel like I'm full of double a batteries and cocaine.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Sorry that I was such a monster last night. It was the drugs, I promise.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
In hindsight, drunkenly yelling "I'M TICKLISH" might not have been an entirely wise decision
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
Randomize
