Oh KT! There was no tea in those Long Islands...
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Did I send you a drunk selfie with a pine tree last night?
my nose is crying tears of wow.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
