The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
You stumbled in the house, mumbled something about a cheese party, grabbed a block of cheese and the whiskey, and left.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
We poured some Korbel out for our homie Dick Clark.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
