Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
