The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
At one point in time, he cried and said I didn't appreciate him.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
Randomize
