I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
i just remember sliding through the snow and yelling i love america before puking on the oncoming cars
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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