There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Randomize
