Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I snuck out of his room and his roommate stopped me to tell me there was a condom stuck to my back
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
