Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
When my parents ask if I met any nice guys in California, I'm going to answer, "No, but I have gone home with alot of nice girls". Too much, too soon?
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
21st birthday weekend in Vegas has concluded and all I'm missing is my underwear and 'Contacts' icon on my phone home screen.
Randomize
