The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
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