My entire life is one complicated drinking game
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
This is classic penis vs brain.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
my downstairs neighbor came by to say he’s having a huge loud party tomorrow, handed me a toblerone bar, and said thank you in advance for your understanding
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Randomize
