I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
There is booty call etiquette, and he just isn't following it. I'm not making you breakfast, gtfo.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
