Um....I woke up to a lipgloss covered bottle of Jack daniels in my arms..
You've kissed worse.
Ah why did you tell everyone you dragged your sac across my face!
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
If i had 4 hands right now is have booze in 3 of them and my cock in the other all because you went to denver. just sayin.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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