Duck Duck Cougar?
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I just threw up 34 cents. What in god's name did we do last night?
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
