just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I didn't pay for a single drink 'help me I'm poor' was my drink pickup line. it totally worked.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Ps I think male models just broke down outside or maybe gay German sex travelers
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Im eating leftover Easter ham in a bubble bath. What has my life come to?
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I just took a shot before my midterm. Gotta keep things in perspective.
Randomize
