Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
Dry spell is over and now I’m drowning in a river of dick. The dam broke and now half the dicks in DC are trying get in my skirt
It’s a glorious dick miracle!
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