You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
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