you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
That's just weird. That doesn't make sense sexually at all. I mean, you might as well tape a pen to the tip and try and write your name while you're at it.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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