Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I decided to have a date tonight. Back on horse I go. Or aiming to be on a horse cock one day. You know. However that metaphor goes.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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