i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
If a handjob meant commitment I would literally touch zero dicks
I think I was just hit on by Jesus Christ. This is not okay. Bad Touch. I NEED AN ADULT!
Calm the hell down, it's just stoner Bob.
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
