I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked
All of it
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
I woke up naked and only wearing cowboy boots, wrapped in a curtain that was still attached to the pole
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
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