i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
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