You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Just for the record, you referenced Harry Potter while complaining about being torn between the Slytherin (lesbians) and Gryffindor (your mostly straight friends) houses (tables)
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Randomize
