the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
I threw up in my 8 AM. Morale is low.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
