afterwards we were spooning and he said he wished he was a kangaroo so he cold put me in his pouch and keep me forever. I left as soon as he was asleep.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
At some point we were all eating banana flavored rolling papers.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
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