Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
My girlfriend figured out who you are.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
I managed to convince her that the egg yolks were actually orange juice and she fell for it
Randomize
