i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
And the next thing I knew I was blowing this random hot italian bartender with an uncircumcised penis in his work closet
Ya that dick wasn't worth burning a perfectly good pizza.
You live and learn.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
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