Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
