i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
By round 4 of the Dead End shots, I thought my jaw was dislocated ... Best invention EVER.
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
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