I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
