I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
ttyl tear gas
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
Randomize
