A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Nothing says hey I wanna be your friend again like ambushing me with a dick pic
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
Can I just buy you sex toys as a wedding gift? Bc I’m here for that and you
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
Randomize
