At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
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