I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
You just kept insisting that you and the homeless man went way back, and that you bonded over how cold you both were.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I don't know if apple cider everclear was such a good idea
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
Randomize
