I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
I love watching the kids I sold drugs to score touchdowns
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
