My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
I just made SCOTCHSICLES. no further info is necessary
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
I just asked Geoff what he is going to do because Hester left he said he was going to have gay sex with America.
Randomize
