Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
Randomize
