Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
