there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
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