I hate your face
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
I'm not sure if doing him was such a good idea. Yes the sex was good, but I'm scared I set myself up for failure in 2011 because he's the hottest guy. Ever.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
Last night you sang a duet with a gay man posing as a straight man posing as nicole kidman; your life lacks neither color nor texture:)
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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