I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
false alarm, still single
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
